Twisted Affection
by Naminaya
Summary: I need to strip him of his humanity. I need to transform him into a monster. A monster that I can love, that I can be in love with. A Shizaya drabble.


**Author's Note:**** This is my first actual Shizaya fic that isn't a poem. ^^ I really hope it's okay! Reviews are very much appreciated, I eat them up like candy and love hearing what people think about my work!**

**Dislclaimer:**** I have yet to aquire the rights to Durarara! *super sad face* :(**

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><p>In this world full of glorious humans, <strong>my<strong> glorious humans, there is a monster. A savage beast, if you will. He's fueled by his rage. He acts on instinct and instinct alone. He never does what I want him to do. He's unlike any other human I have ever met.

He's **different**.

And for that, I've labeled him a monster.

But in truth, he is probably more human than all of my other humans put together. Despite the fact that he has an uncontrollable temper, despite the fact that he is practically violence incarnate, he is still so incredibly human. Despite the fact that he thinks he is a monster.

He treasures his friends and their needs and wants above his own. He can be hot-headed, it's true, but if given the time he will always think things through and he will undoubtedly pick the best option. He never fails to protect those he cares about.

He sees the world in black and white, with good and bad. And even though he is oh so good, contains more good in him than me, than anyone else I've met, he has still cast himself in the role of the bad guy. Because he hates himself. He hates his strength, his beautiful, beautiful strength. He feels it makes him a monster.

He's not a monster.

He has a sweet tooth. He likes sugar and candy and milk and it sometimes reminds me so much of a little kid that I have to laugh. I think it's cute. He's innocent, and despite his off-putting demeanor he can be quite naïve. He wants to help people, but he's stopped trying to because he's under the impression that he'll just hurt anyone who gets close to him. It's amazing.

He's not a monster.

He's just different.

He never does what I expect him to do, what I want him to do. He's unpredictable. All of my other humans, I can predict them. I can toy with them, bend them to my will. I can build them up and then knock them back down again. I can make them do whatever I want, because I am their god. I am above them. But him...I can't bend him to my will. I can't play with him like one of my humans. I can't love him like I love my other humans.

But that doesn't mean that I don't love him.

Because I do.

**I love him.**

He's not a monster.

But I need him to be one.

I love him more than the rest of my precious humans. And that's just not right. As their god, their wonderful all-powerful god, it's unacceptable. I can't love one human more than I love the rest. It's unfair.

It's so cliché. Like a twisted and perverted version of the Beauty and the Beast, except he's not a beast. He's a human. He's so human, and I am so glad that I seem to be the only one who sees how human he truly is. They run in fear when he rages, and it makes me so angry. They're all so stupid. Humans are always afraid of that which they do not understand. For the sole fact that he is different, an enigma, they shun him. They shut him out and cower in fear when he is close. All of my other humans, they see him as a monster.

He's not a monster.

But they think he is. They're all stupid. Humans in general are just ignorant and easy to control. I treat most of them like puppets, and I cruelly yank on their strings. Another way I could put it is that humans are all pawns on my chess board, and I am the player. I always win the game. But that's because in the end, I'm only playing against myself. I mean, who could possibly play a game of chess with a god?

A monster could.

But he's not a monster.

I've tried to stop loving him. But it doesn't work. He's just got this way of making my chest tighten and my heart beat sky-rocket. He makes my breath catch in my throat and my palms sweat and every time, every single time he screams my name a shiver goes up my spine. And it's all so, so... _human_. I may love all of my other humans, but I have fallen hopelessly _in love_ with him.

I can't be in love with a human.

But I can be in love with a monster.

So I need to turn him into a monster. I need to strip him of his humanity, I need to revoke his status as one of my humans. I need to twist and shape him and recreate him. I need to transform him into a monster. A monster that I can love, that I can be in love with. A god and a monster, an unstoppable pair.

He's not a monster.

But I need him to become one.

So that I can love him the way I want to.

It's the only way I can love him the way I want to.

Then again, Shizuo Heiwajima never does what I want him to do.


End file.
